Botox Pokerface

Real Quick...

2009-10-19T22:33:00.002-04:00

WTF? Balloon Boy? Please float away now.

More importantly, Madonna is dancing too much and causing a ruckus in her new apt in NYC. I never thought there would be too much of Madonna.

Oprah is still Oprah.

Strangely, Comcast is the devil via Twitter. Just tweet "Comcast sucks" and see what you're response is.

PS - I still love Hoda and KLG even though I have a job and don't have time to watch them.

PPS - Although I got a twitter account I will never use it.

Life is Easier for Bob Dole Now

2009-04-27T10:46:00.004-04:00

Well move over viagra there's a new Sheriff in town. It appears that a new product may soon hit the market where you just have to rub a solution on your self and voila you're ready for action. I assume this will be a quicker process than the jagged little pill that you take now. I don't know from personal experience, but I'm guessing a rub gets to the point quicker so to speak. I'm sure the ladies out there will be THRILLED. This brings a whole new meaning to 'is your hand broken?'

Read here for more info.

Happy Birthday, Elizabeth Regina!

2009-04-21T14:46:00.005-04:00

God Save the Queen! Today is Queen Elizabeth II's 83rd birthday. She has ruled the United Kingdom for nearly 60 years and has really seen a lot. She's been around the world, visited exotic locales, seen her daughter-in-law raise the profile of the monarchy and later almost bring it to its knees. Hey, I just thought of something though, my grandma turns 93 next week and she's seen a lot too. Yes, my grandma still lives on her own and drives (YES, DRIVES) and seems to be getting along swimmingly. Strangely my family has to call my grandma, Her Majesty as well....

Anyway, Her Majesty (Queen Elizabeth II) is likely spending her day doing nothing of the sort, probably going through offical papers. Happy Birthday!

Twitter-Dee and Twitter-Dumb

2009-04-16T18:25:00.007-04:00

Her Excellency, Oprah, is apparently dedicating a whole entire show (Friday live) to Twitter. F! F! F! I don't want to Twitter and now here comes Jesus on the Tweet and we're all going to have to start doing it now. I WILL NOT! I WILL NOT. It's bad enough that I use the Facebook like nobody's business. I don't need to be sucking on the Tweet! I don't like the TWEETS. What would Sofia from the Color Purple think of all this? She would punch an old geezer named Biz Stone (co-founder of Twitter) if she knew anything about his tweets. LORD CHILD! Listen, Whoopi said it best on the View the other day, no one cares if I'm sitting on the can!

Click here to read more about Ms. Winfrey's next show about Twitter with Ashton Kutcher.

Ain't That the Truth, Anderson

2009-04-15T15:07:00.001-04:00

Anderson Cooper gives his opinion on teabagging.

Just When I Thought I'd Dropped My Last Ounce of Dignity

2009-04-14T11:00:00.005-04:00

My GOD this woman will sell her soul to make a dime! Kathie Lee now has a damn book out on top of her million ridiculous CDs that no one gives two sh*ts about (see Two Sh*ts here). Here she comes again to tell snipits about her life. So what? Who cares? Yes, the woman does botox all the time AND uses a qtip for some purpose that I can't figure out.

You know I have a love/hate relationship with Kathie Lee mostly because her laugh and googly eye bother me, and she picks on Hoda. Well anyway, I wish her luck. I see this becoming a discount book super fast. Keep me updated.

Here's the video of her plugging her book on Hoda and Kathie Lee this morning.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

I Think I'm a Redskins Fan Now

2009-04-14T10:42:00.005-04:00

Hello everyone - Meet Shaun Suisham. Many folks met Shaun yesterday at the White House Easter Egg Roll 2009 where he entertained and read to children. Shaun is 27 and a kicker for the Washington Redskins. Therefore, I'm now a fan of the Washington Redskins.

God he looks sexy huh?

Let's be frank here, though. It's not that I haven't been a fan of the Washington Redskins, it's just that they haven't had a good season in so long that it's hard to remain a fan. Ok, I didn't grow up in Washington and I'm sure I'm committed a blasphemous act by saying the Redskins aren't that great, but listen, I get it. I get that fans are loyal and I respect that. But how many times can you be kicked down before you give up? Come on people!

Anyway, click here to learn more about Shaun and his NFL stats. Yes, he's married... to a woman. She best be hot!

Photos courtesy of R. David Photography.

OH F*CK ME!

2009-04-13T11:41:00.002-04:00

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GOD. PLEASE LET THIS BE THE ONLY ONE!

Click here.

Southland Benji

2009-04-09T12:20:00.004-04:00

So this is Benjamin McKenzie. I'm sure his friends just call him Ben so I will too. Ben will star tonight in a new show called "Southland" about South Central L.A. cops (I think.). I will watch in the hopes that Ben takes his shirt off. I mean, I want to see it because it's a John Wells show and he started the West Wing and others... oh hell, I just want to see if he takes his shirt off. GOD.

Ben was on Hoda and Kathie Lee today. Here's the clip.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Don Lemon

2009-03-27T19:13:00.004-04:00

I ain't one to gossip, so you didn't hear this from me. But eyewitnesses report that last night, Don Lemon (studly CNN anchor) was spotted at the Washington DC gay bar, The Duplex Diner. As he left the diner, he wore a cute blue patagonia-style jacket and walked out with a bunch of other cute guys and another on-air CNN correspondent (No, not Anderson Cooper).

So, Is Don Lemon gay? You be the judge on that. BPF speculated before (click here). Anyway, I doubt any of you care. No one is watching CNN anymore apparently. Click here to read more on the CNN ratings slip. But I ain't one to gossip, so you didn't hear that from me.

The Best Talk Show on TV

2009-03-26T11:36:00.004-04:00

WATCH BONNIE HUNT! She is incredibly funny and doesn't miss a beat. Yesterday she had Brian Williams from NBC's Nightly News. Brian himself was hilarious but you have to understand that Bonnie has a huge crush on Brian and it gets really really awkward!

But back to Bonnie. I think that she hits it out of the park every day.

Click here to visit the site.

You Gotta Love Some Dolly (Ladies too)

2009-03-26T11:21:00.003-04:00

I just read this article below and thought 'Give me a break!' Dolly Parton's tee-tahs are not lesbian. She's got the big ol' girls and they like the boys I am SURE. Dolly being a lesbian wouldn't be a bad thing for the gay movement, but we won't have a gay icon if she actually becomes GAY. Lord.

Click here to read the atrocious rumors.

OH NO! MATT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-03-23T13:31:00.003-04:00

OH Sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Matt Lauer injured himself this weekend when he hit a deer while riding his bike. Oh God oh GOD don't let Matt DIE! Ok, he apparently just dislocated his shoulder and needs a quick surgery, but you know he's one of the last of a dying breed that I can stand to look at and listen to on the tv in the morning. If Matt goes down, so does the Today Show.

Read more here.

Will They Be Regular Size?

2009-03-23T10:32:00.002-04:00

Apparently, USAID, which distributes millions of condoms to developing countries to reduce the spread of HIV/AIDS has decided to no longer use an American company to supply the condoms to the world. They have chosen a Chinese manufacturer to make the rubbers.

I only have one question, will they be manufactured for the average size for a man or the size of the Chinese? Hey! I'm just saying!

Click here for more.

Head Case is a GREAT Show

2009-03-20T00:01:00.003-04:00

So I have come across an hilarious show on Starz (hell no I don't subscribe to Starz, but you can get it on Netflix and see it at http://www.starz.com). Alexandra Wentworth (wife to ABC's George Stephanopoulos) plays a therapist to celebrities and the celbs actually play themselves. Some notables are Alanis Morrisette, Jason Priestly, James Denton, Jeff Goldblum and others. She's a comic genius and I'm shocked that she is married to George Stephanopoulos who is a total bore. Her character is a total narcissist and does all kinds of crazy shit to "help" her clients. I think that I might be a narcissist myself and totally relate. But anyway, if you have Netflix then you need to order this shit, ASAP!

Friday the 13th

2009-03-13T12:09:00.002-04:00

Hey y'all - Today is Friday the 13th. Do I care? NO. Did I ever see one of those Jason movies when I was a kid. NO. I did see one Nightmare on Elm Street and never again wanted to see a Freddy or Jason movie. F that!

I think what's more important is Sunday is the Ides of March. I always remind people to beware because one of your skanky friends could stab you in the back and you won't even know until you are kissing the feet of Jesus.

Homo out.

I Know Why Frank Gifford Cheated on Kathie Lee

2009-03-13T10:51:00.005-04:00

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So on the Today Show with Hoda and Kathie Lee this morning, Frank Gifford co-hosted with his wife Kathie Lee Gifford. My guess is ratings plummeted today, but that's not the point. Frank was considerably out of it and you can tell he is incredibly annoyed by his wife. He basically hates her and hates that she made him do this show.

Frank Gifford is a million years old (actually 78) and he walks around like an old man who can barely stand. And Frank told Kathie Lee that she would not have been able to handle him when he reached his peak. Yeah, that's why he got a hooker and cheated on KL! DUH! I mean he could probably tape the hooker's mouth shut and can't do that at home with Kathie Lee. You know she never shuts up. God, I would have an affair too.

Anyway, check out the video above for a little taste and see why Frank is a cheater.

PS - For you dumbasses who don't know who Frank Gifford is or why he's famous then click here. F - I'm gay and I even know.

Dwayne Johnson

2009-03-13T00:40:00.005-04:00

Dwayne Johnson is one hot MOFO! Damn. He's been everywhere promoting his new movie, Race to Witch Mountain, and I can't get enough of him. I know I won't go watch some Disney movie to see the Rock, because I'm sure he ain't taking his clothes off, but I would love to see his smile. It's gorgeous. Anyway, he was just on Jay Leno tonight and he looked like he could break out of his suit and make love to me at any moment. Is it hot in here?

Ok sorry about that. Did you see him on Saturday Night Live? His ass was sooo hot. Check out the video.

Today Show Goes Nude

2009-03-11T09:55:00.002-04:00

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This CRACKS me up! For some reason, Matt, Mere-death, Al and Ann-oying Curry went to an art school and ended up painting two nudes. This is so funny. Too bad Matt wasn't one of the nudes. But the good part is the guy who was the nude is nice to look at.

Enjoy.

Shameless Shirtless Pic - Shemar Moore

2009-03-09T12:20:00.003-04:00

Shemar Moore is hot. Single. About to be 39. Gay? Maybe. He's on the cover of Men's Fitness this month. Hot. And stars in Criminal Minds which I don't watch but I bet he takes his shirt off a lot. Yummy

Lady Gaga Eat Me!

2009-03-04T17:33:00.004-05:00

Well apparently Botox Pokerface is getting a run for it's money! Lady Gaga or Ga-gag-me thinks Pokerface is hers. Well listen BITCH, I took it first. You can kiss my pokerface and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

Apparently she's like the hottest thing right now. Her and of course Kanye West with his new singles. (I like Kanye mmmkkkkk.) Lady Ga-gag-me is going to be a one (or two) hit wonder and no one will remember her in two years. and Botox Pokerface will last FOREVER. MMHHhaaaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Now if I can just get my fellow gays to give her the boot. DON'T love her BOYS!

Enjoy the video.

Homo Out. 75/25

2009-03-04T00:55:00.003-05:00

So I think email is a great way to come out of the closet to people and below might be the best email ever.

Hey y'all,
Hope everyone's doing well. I wanted to send out an email to y'all since you're my close friends I've stayed in touch with since our days at [college]. Look, I'm gay. More like 75/25, but the 25 wasn't going to cut it for the long haul. I know email is probably not the best way to tell y'all, but things are nuts with school... so things are time-crunched and I wouldn't get back to see everyone for awhile. I thought making individual phone calls with the same story would be brutal. I went ahead and emailed too b/c I didn't want y'all to find out through the grapevine or something. I don't think it's a big deal, and hope y'all don't either. I did want to say that I haven't been living some double life or anything like that, that's right -- I haven't hooked up at all.. for a long time.. but I'm still the dude that gets entirely too pissed over sports events, likes country music, and would rather go to sports bars than anywhere else. I'm still Republican and I'm not going to show up in anything other than fratty clothes. That's all me, you don't have to worry, you've known the real me. I'm not going to go to parades and wear glitter or crap. And while I love all y'all, none of you have been, are, or ever will be my type - so please, don't think that there's ever been any alterior motives. I like the friends I have, and I'd like for those to be the ones I hang out with and shoot the shit with in the future. I could be a pretty damn good wing man.

If any of y'all do find it hard to accept, believe me, I understand - it took me over 10 years. I won't take it personally. It just seemed really foolish and pointless for me to just not tell y'all, or not be honest with myself and wind up living a life that was a lie. []

That's it from me. Homo Out.
BEST. EVER. Homo OUT!

Thunder from Down Under - Kathie Lee and Hoda Style

2009-03-02T10:23:00.004-05:00

Thank you Hoda and Kathie Lee this morning for having the Thunder from Down Under on your show. BUT Ladies, we need more than just shirtless. I know it's morning television, but come on!

Click here to visit the Thunder's website.

UPDATE: VIDEO

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I Bet He Died Happy

2009-02-26T12:50:00.004-05:00

Oh damn. Some Russian went on a sex-spree after popping some viagra and he dropped dead in pure content. Apparently he won a bet to have sexy times with two women for a whole day. But lost the bet against life when the Viagra put a little extra bump and grind on his heart.

Thank god this story came out. I've heard of abuse of the viagra drug and you know that there are a bunch of men out there snorting this up their noses to get up and at em. Listen ladies, you try to walk around with a thing with a mind of it's own between your legs. It gets rough some times.

Read more here about dying from Viagra.

Shameless Shirtless Pic

2009-02-26T09:39:00.002-05:00

Well I just thought we could all use the power of Jake today. Enjoy!

KLGandHoda.com

2009-02-26T08:52:00.004-05:00

Hoda and Kathie Lee got their own website http://www.klgandhoda.com Look, I love these women but you know it just send you to the Today Show site. Before their site was http://www.todayshow/klandhoda or something like that but you know that's not good enough. Kathie Lee must be one tough bitch to deal with and why does Kathie Lee get her lame ass initials first? I want HODA's name first.

Here's SNL making fun of Hoda and Kathie Lee.

Mother of the Year? Maybe. Reporter of the Year? Maybe.

2009-02-25T10:21:00.007-05:00

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Ok I know you all might be in terrible shocked to learn something new about me today, but I have to share something about Ann(oying) Curry. I am completely loyal to Ann. She may annoy me to no end, but she's irreplaceable. OK enough of that.

Our Ann Curry was honored for Mother of the Year last night by the American Cancer Society. Congrats to Ann, but I'm not sure why they choose the mother of the year. Anyway, my point here is she deserves some recognition. Have you seen her off in Darfur lately with George Clooney? The conflict in Darfur is probably one of the worst humanitarian crises in modern history and Ann is doing a great job of putting it's focus into American homes. Hey, even my cold heart has a soft part.

Click here to learn more about Darfur and Ann's trip there.

You Go Girl

2009-02-24T10:07:00.003-05:00

Well holy sh*t this is the best idea ever. This is a funnel with a baggie to piss in when you don't have a toilet. Like GENIUS. Wait, I'm a dude and really don't need a funnel to piss in when there isn't a toilet, but man maybe I can think of an idea for a device to take a poo in when you don't have a toilet. Lord knows I got my issues when it comes to the digestion, but man can you imagine being able to drop trou and drop a load whenever you need to??? But how would you wipe?

Click here to learn more about GoGirl.

What's Wrong with Wearing Womens Thongs?

2009-02-24T09:25:00.003-05:00

An Army deserter living in Colorado was recently arrested on a warrant for skipping out on the army. (Do you blame him?) Anyway, the police reported that he was wearing a woman's thong. Now back where I'm from a thong is a flip-flop type shoe. I assume that's what they mean when they say he was wearing a thong? A man would have no need for the undergarment type of thong right? That would be just wrong? WRONG I tell you.

Now there could be instances of a man wearing a g-string that would be appropriate. I mean I've seen this in person once or twice at a bar with strippers but ya know it usually isn't pretty. But maybe wearing a woman's thong would be pretty on a man. They are often lacey and frilly right? The army guy was also in his camouflage. You don't want to be in the army but you'll still wear your camos. I'm a little confused. You don't want the job, but you want all the perks? Underpanties and all. I'm guessing when he learned that the Army frowns on dudes that dress in women's clothing (except Corporal Maxwell Klinger) he decided to bounce. I know there's a policy banning gays in the military, but what about cross-dressers?

Click here to read more.

Couldn't Sell Some Alli?

2009-02-24T09:13:00.004-05:00

Today is Fat Tuesday. Do you see the man in the background there in that truck? His name is Stephen Turo. Mr. Turo weighs over 700lbs. That's right, 700 POUNDS. Well Mr. Turo, along with his wife, have been accused of selling prescription painkillers out of their home. In order for Mr. Turo to get his day in court, he had to be hauled in on a U-Haul because he is so large and in charge.

If I were as large as Mr. Turo and somehow already had access to prescriptions, why not throw in a little Alli (that weight loss pill) so I could drop, I don't know, say, couple hundred? And also if you're dealing prescription painkillers, and you are basically homebound because your so big, what are you spending your money on.... wait, oh right. Food. Ok I'll stop now.

Read more here on how to get a fat person to court.

Freedom!

2009-02-24T09:00:00.004-05:00

Oh boy. In this economy people have to make choices. Tough choices. Well here's a doozy. Apparently, the Los Angeles County Sheriff is contemplating the release of over 4000 inmates due to a budget shortfall. How fantastic is that? I think the various decisions made by the Los Angeles County Sheriff in the past about releases were already suspect. Just think if we have more Paris Hilton's walking the streets of L.A.

I guess it's not all that bad. There will be easier access to hookers and meth or whatever. Maybe a few more drunk drivers on the road. It's stuff we all can deal with, right? I mean come on, maybe we can get a discount on a meth-head drunk driving hooker. Girl's gotta work, ya know.

Click here to read more about L.A.'s budget problems.

Where the Hell is Spring????

2009-02-24T08:49:00.006-05:00

Good Morning! Or should I say good freezing morning! It's 20 degrees this morning and why is it still so damn cold? Does anyone else think that this winter has been especially cold? Oh, and my landlord is stingy and my apt is like 4 degrees. I'm also a little pissed that it's freezing and there hasn't been any damn significant amounts of snow this winter. Today, it snowed two feet in Maine, so congrats to Maine! GRRR or should I say BRRRRR.

Yo Stink!

2009-01-29T23:17:00.001-05:00

Ok y'all I haven't been around in a long long time. But I couldn't resist sharing this from Nip/Tuck. Jennifer Coolidge plays 'Coco.' It's sooooo funny.

2008-11-11T10:01:00.003-05:00

Ok, I'm all about repealing Prop 8 and what not because it discriminates against a class of individuals based upon who they are. And you know I appreciate commentators and celebrities supporting civil rights, however, Keith Olbermann's breakdown last night on MSNBC's Countdown with Keith Olbermann was just over the damn top.

Why in the hell is he about to cry? He doesn't know one gay person, he doesn't have kids that are gay or even distant relatives, probably never even met a gay, so why the emotion? Why is he about to cry?

I am a homo and I'm not even crying over it. Come on, this is not the time to look whiney and weak. Mr. Olbermann, I know that you go on these rants from time to time (and Ben Affleck hit the nail on the head with his impression of you) but COME ON. Tone it down a little. You look like a bleeding heart liberal. (ok i know you are, but whatevs) So let's focus here! F!

VOTE!!!!!

2008-11-03T21:19:00.003-05:00

Today (Nov. 4) is Election Day folks. All I can ask you is to vote your heart and conscience (oh and use your brain.)

You know how I want you to cast your vote. Also, vote NO on Prop 8 in California. This gay wants to marry some day.

Yes I'm posting this about 3 hours before Nov 4th but I gotta get up early.

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T10:18:00.000-04:00

This says it better than I could.

:)

Maybe Jerry Lewis Should Fight Dementia?

2008-10-25T17:20:00.003-04:00

The exploding tick Jerry Lewis once again offended the fags, I mean homos, I mean people like myself, by dropping the F bomb in Australia. Mr. Lewis was asked what he thought of Australia's national sport, cricket, and he said it was a 'fag game.'

Why is that bad? It's a totally gay game. Cricket? Who the F plays cricket? (That F stands for f*ck.)

Anyway, Jerry probably didn't even know he was saying it because he's cuckoo for cocoa puffs. He's a billion years old and clearly his weight is pressing against his brain and it's going to explode.

'Hey LAAAAAAADDDDYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!'

That's all people. Don't be offensive to the gays (or old fat guys like Jerry). Click here to read more.

Ann(oying) Curry Doesn't Know Illinois

2008-10-23T14:43:00.002-04:00

I am SURE that Ann(oying) Curry really thought that she was pointing to Illinois above. She probably thought you pronounced the S too until one of her producer's told her she was a dumb ho and the S is silent!

UGH.

90210 - The New Boys

2008-10-22T11:29:00.006-04:00

I know I JUST posted about 90210, but I watched last night and I noticed something that is CLEARLY missing from the show that will make it MUCH better. Um, shirtless men.

Ok so I have compiled some shirtless pics of some of the guys that are on the OLD show. YAY! Because the new show sucks. It sucks without shirtless guys. It's an alright show.

But PS - Jason Priestley must have never taken his shirt off because I can't find shit of him anywhere. Boring.

BH 90210

2008-10-21T15:46:00.004-04:00

Everyone, I promised some intel about the new 90210 show. Well let me tell you first of all it has some potential. Second of all it has potential because the boys are hot, but most importantly we still get to see Kelly and Brenda from time to time. I love that Kelly sucks at acting and although she's much older she still acts whiney like the original show.

Now on to the other characters whose names I can't remember at all, but I'll try to describe them. The man teacher who was on that crapshow with Courtney Cox called Dirt is incredibly hot. I can't get enough of him on there. His name in real life is Ryan. That's a badass name. And hot. and a Common Gay Name so here's to hoping he's a mo.

Now, I do want to discuss the stupid curly haired bitch. Ok, she sucks. She's a ho and needs to go. Maybe they will kill her off, but I don't think they do that on shows like this, but hey, we could luck out.

As for the principal's daughter, she is looking for trouble. But hey, that's what midwesterners do. I haven't seen any main gay characters yet, but I'm crossing my fingers, but I so won't dig if the gay person is a lesbian and it turns out to be the principal's daughter.

Aunt Becky from Full House, I mean the mom, is sort of stupid. I guess you can take the trash out of the trailer park but you can't take the trailer out of the trash. And she likes to take pictures? Maybe she can take pictures of her on screen husband Rob Estes, the principal. Yum.

Sorry this was quick and dirty, but I'm in a hurry.

Happy Birthday Princess Leia

2008-10-21T15:15:00.005-04:00

So Carrie Fisher turns 52 today. I saw her recently here in DC and the chick looks old and a mess. Like she is short and could barely walk up the stairs in front of me because she must have been poppin the pills again or sucking down the booze oh and the 4 inch clogs didn't help the situation either. Terms of Endearment anyone? Wasn't there a scene in that movie where the Debbie Reynolds character pushes the Carrie Fisher character down the stairs? I may be mistaken. Anyway....

I wasn't really a Princess Leia fan nor Star Wars, but I thought it was disgusting when she kicked it with Jabba the Hut. That was just over the top for me. I'm sure it helped in making me who I am, i.e. gay.

Anyway, here is a picture of Princess Leia from a few weeks ago. Hmmm.. can we say batshit crazy?

Like a Virgin, Again...

2008-10-15T14:53:00.004-04:00

This used to be my playground.... but justify my love. So here's today's shocker, Madonna Ciccone is getting divorced. Why oh why didn't this work out? Papa don't preach, she knows she's in trouble deep. Guy wants some $$$$$$. Hopefully there was a prenup. Wait, madge is smart and will take his ass to the bank. My guess is Guy got tired of looking at her freakish 50 year old man-boy body. She works out tooo much. (Uh oh, I might be going to gay hell for blaspheming Her Madgesty. But she's just too in shape.)

What about little David Banda? That poor kid probably wonders how in the hell he ended up in such a shitstorm. What if they come and take him away? Poor little guy.

Good luck with your divorce and congrats!

Click here to read the story.

Jesus Is a Friend of Mine.

2008-10-10T10:37:00.002-04:00

If you listen closely, Jesus touches him inappropriately and zaps him.

I'm Having an Old Friend for Dinner

2008-10-07T11:57:00.003-04:00

Talking about cutting a bitch. Some dude in the U.K. (formerly Mr. Gay U.K.) decided to put his chef skills to use and slit his lover's throat, cut a sliver of his thigh off and cooked his ass, fried his ass actually. THEN HE ATE IT, but apparently the boyfriend didn't taste so hot so he spat him in the garbage.

Damn, you think you know someone. You go over for a drink and end up getting your backstabbed and your thigh eaten. My goodness that's some scary shit. I guess the thigh is a meaty party of the body, but isn't the buttocks a better place to find some good red meat... mmm. Ok sorry I just ate at a steakhouse the other night and I LOVE MY MEAT. I prefer a breast over a thigh. I guess I'm now talking chicken.

Click here to read more.

Goodbye Paul Newman....

2008-09-27T10:53:00.005-04:00

The Hollywood heartthrob, Oscar-winner and my fellow Aquarian, Paul Newman, died today from complications of cancer. He is survived by his wife of 50 years, actress Joanne Woodward.

Since this blogger was very proud to share a birthday with Mr. Newman, he will be especially missed by me. Many of you know that Mr. Newman started the Newman's Own dressings and pasta sauce and much more. The Newman's Own brand gives 100% of the profits to the Newman's Own Foundation which he created to give grants to many deserving groups. Because of his selflessness toward others, his legacy will go on for a long time.

So I ask you to go out and buy some Newman's Own Sockarooni Sauce (my fav) today in honor of a great man.

Click here to read more.

The Great Schlep

2008-09-25T15:24:00.000-04:00

The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.

GET YOUR GRANDPARENTS TO VOTE!

NO SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-23T22:43:00.004-04:00

OMG. WTF? WE ALL KNEW!

That was many a response I received when I came out. 'We already knew, dear.'

Congrats to Gay Aiken for making life much easier for the gays. What what??? No, really, welcome. No wait... you did us a disservice for denying your sexuality like it was a plague, you flaming homo. No wait, we must be warm and welcoming. Welcome home. We accept you for who you are. Sort of. Now get your damn haircut and get to the gym.

Click here to read more.

WHAT THE F ?!?!?

2008-09-23T09:50:00.005-04:00

Do you all SEE the slut boots that Mere-death is wearing today? OMG! I almost spilled my oatmeal on my lap this morning during breakfast. My exact words were "WHAT THE %$#@!"

Mere-death - Where did you get those? WHY do you think they look good? I'm thinking cheap hooker here. Didn't Julia Roberts wear those in Pretty Woman? WHOA! That was the look on Kirk Cameron's face when he saw them....

Kirk is such a good Christian boy and you know that he is all flustered by seeing her in her tramp whore boots. God... that's who Kirk was praying to I am SURE when he saw this. Praying that this would just stop!

On another note, doesn't Kirk look SOOOOO HOT. He's almost ageless. He will be 38 next month. I'm sure he would freak if he knew a homo boy was hot for him. He does all those Christian 'Left Behind' movies. I read one of those books once. I sort of believe that the rapture could happen the way they say it could happen. I'm sure I'll be driving down the street when the rapture happens and some do gooder Christian will be in the other lane and will be plucked out of the world like Jesus and their empty car will come careening toward me. Damn.

Anyway, here's the entire segment with Kirk and Mere-death from the Today Show this morning.

Ann...

2008-09-21T20:22:00.003-04:00

Everyone....

Earlier this evening I was at the gym doing the stair climber and started watching my NBC Nightly News with Lester Holt. Lester mentioned the horrendous bombing in Pakistan this last weekend and said 'Ann Curry was in Pakistan...' When I heard this my heart jumped out of my chest and I about teared up when I thought she was injured.

As annoying as she is and as much as I imply that NBC sends her off on very dangerous missions, I would be greatly devastated if something bad happened to her.

We love you Ann! When you are not being dumb. Be safe.

If I had a Nickle....

2008-09-14T20:45:00.004-04:00

for every time some dude "broke" into my house and slapped me in the face with a sausage I would be a millionaire. So some guy broke into a house in Fresno, California last week and got all freaky with the dudes in the house while they were asleep. He took out his sausage and started whacking one of the guys in the face with it. The sausage was like 8 inches... nice. The victims also discovered after the culprit escaped that they were covered with "Pappy's Seasoning." Is that what I should start calling it these days?

The suspect fled in just his boxers and a tshirt and was later found in field rubbing his sausage and about to shoot his seasoning all over. Ok, that didn't happen but come ON that had to the next step. My guess is this is just an evening of homo antics gone awry. PAPPY'S SEASONING FOR GOD'S SAKE!

Click here to read the Fresno Bee story. It's hilarious too.

Thanks, Michael.

The Fat Lady has Sung

2008-09-10T22:33:00.003-04:00

Carol Schwartz, the Republican DC Councilwoman, who was first elected back in the Stone Ages was finally defeated in a primary election held in DC this week. Carol is known for running for Mayor of DC 35 times and one who adamantly opposed the DC smoking-ban for restaurants and bars. It's well known that Ms. Schwartz is a heavy smoker. And I mean HEAVY. Her voice sounds like a monster truck it's so deep.

Anyway, read more about Carol's defeat. Hopefully the new guy won't overstay his welcome.

Trojan Horse

2008-09-08T14:12:00.005-04:00

Hey this is a headband that is sold in China and apparently made out of used condoms. Yes, folks, the condoms that one typically flushes down the toilet after a night of knocking the boots have somehow ended up in headbands worn by little children. (Pregnant Pause.) They are cheap and colorful... the headbands, not the condoms.

So let's dissect this a little here. First, after the condom is used, who in the hell thinks 'honey, let's recycle this? I know my end product is filled up in this and you're juices are on the outside, but let's put this in the recycle bin. The condom recycle bin.'

Next, let's think who the hell has to touch the used condom to make it into a headband. Do you think they use gloves?

AND ANOTHER THING. Are there really USED condoms in China? There are like a ba-zillion people there. They don't use condoms do they?

THIRD - This goes on your head. This gives a whole new meaning to 'hairgel' as Mary said in "There's Something About Mary".

Just as a disclaimer - I am a virgin and have never seen a used condom in my life. I SWEAR. And I always flush them in the toilet, I mean I would always properly dispose of them if I did have relations with someone. I'm waiting until I get married.

PS - ALWAYS WEAR CONDOMS!

If you don't believe me, click here for the USA Today story.

The Scream

2008-09-08T10:58:00.004-04:00

Oh Jesus Christ Mere-death. What are you doing? We all know you are old. You look like you have been smoking for 150 years. I bet Matt is laughing at this photo. Matt so wants you off his show. Yes it's his show. He was able to bump off the other chick and now it's just a matter of time before you are gone too.

And we have Ann-oying Curry who has perfect skin. Hate her. Not really hate, but this weekend when I went into Blue Mercury Spa the lady told me that all the sudden one day I will wake up and BAM I'll have wrinkles. This lady wanted me to pay $48 PLUS TAX for some anti-aging cream. What the EFF? Moisturize Moisturize Moisturize. I'm so getting crow's feet. Shit this is serious. If I look like Mere-death when I get older I will cry.

Thanks, Stacy.

It's Britney, BITCH!

2008-09-07T23:59:00.002-04:00

Y'all. Clear the sleep out of your eyes because this is BRITNEY, BITCHES! Ok, girl cleaned UP last night on the MTV VMAs. She looked hot and she looked like those two years of destruction NEVER EVER HAPPENED. There was ZERO crazy on her face. I am NOT joking here. You can probably catch the million repeats that they will show of the VMAs on MTV. She accepted the awards like a pop princess should and thanked the holy Lord above as if she went to church on a a regular basis!

I never gave up on her y'all. I did NOT. She was bound to snap out of it. I mean come on. She's BRIT BRIT. And look at her face, she is laughing all the way to the BANK. GO BRITNEY GO BRITNEY.

Tokio Rose?

2008-09-07T23:50:00.003-04:00

So on the MTV Video Music Awards, a band I have never heard of won best new artist. The band is called Tokio Hotel. I'm ready to check out of my hotel with this one. The dude/she with the black hair I believe is a dude. But could be a German chick with a deep voice, but I just can't tell. They were very butch and arrived in a Monster Truck.

Tokio Hotel hails from Germany and plays songs I've never heard of. I am not old. I knew most of the songs that were played on the VMAs tonight. Lord help me though if I have to listen these people on the radio. Maybe they are good or maybe they can just produce a good video.

Click here to learn more about them because you know they are going to be the next big thing and I'm going to end up LOVING them and have to eat my words. F!

Meet Novak Djokovic

2008-09-06T12:16:00.003-04:00

Ladies and Gays - This is Novak Djokovic. The number three seed at the U.S. Open Tennis Tournament this year. I'm watching him during the semi-finals right now against Roger Doucherer and he's trying to hold his own. Really though, Roger Doucherer is a good player, but I can't stand him frankly.

I loved that Nadal beat Doucherer's ass in Wimbledon which was a fantastic tennis match. I watched all 8 hours of it and I'm a big homo and hate sports. Ok I like tennis and swimming. Ok I'm gay.

So here's to Novak! Best of luck; you're not bad looking for an Eastern European. And anyone is better looking than fug Roger Doucherer.

Damn Girl Damn Girl Damn

2008-09-05T08:54:00.004-04:00

Damn Natalie Morales is HOT! Do you see her? So she's about to go on maternity leave from the Today Show (I'm sad) and you wouldn't know the woman is pregnant. I'm so going to miss her over the next few months. You know that no one can fill her shoes, especially Ann-oying Curry. Mmmm, mmmm, mhmmm. UGH.

Ok, so Natalie should have SO been the person to take over my love Katie Couric's spot when Katie left for her other job. Mere-death just sucks still. GOD.

Best wishes Natalie! Enjoy your new bundle of joy.

Ride 'Em Cowboy!

2008-09-05T00:47:00.003-04:00

YES! The gay rodeo is in town this weekend! The Atlantic States Gay Rodeo Association (of course you knew that existed) is putting on a show this weekend and y'all are invited! I have never been to a gay rodeo... hell I've never been to a rodeo period, but I'm venturing out to find me a man's man... I mean to watch some ropin and ridin. YEEE HAWWWW! I'm from the sticks but for some reason never went to a rodeo. I guess I was high faluten white trash.

My biggest question is when do they go all brokeback on us? I am sure I'll say 'I can't quit you' after this weekend to some lost fool.

If you take a closer look at their website, bareback bronc has been cancelled this year. That's too bad.

Hope to see you all there. Giddy UP!

Da da da da... da da da da... TSH TSH!

2008-09-05T00:02:00.003-04:00

PS New 90210 - You'll NEVER be as good as the original. But I'm SO watching!

Cheating Rat

2008-09-04T00:07:00.004-04:00

Apparently a new study has been released that points to a gene in the male human that causes them to cheat. The study found among a type of varmint called a Vole that the males possessed a gene (called an allele) that humans also possess that causes them to cheat. Almost 40 percent of men have this gene as well. No shit Sherlock. Men are scum.

Listen, you think you chicks have it bad in the straight world. Just imagine how it is with the gays. Homos are out there day and night trying to find the next best thing. But here's the thing, it doesn't mean they don't actually love the person they are with, it means they are a scum sucking rat that can't commit to shit.

Here, click this link to read more. AND obvi, the photo above is because Frank Gifford cheated on that precious Kathie Lee. Do you blame him?

PS - I hope hope hope that I don't have this gene.

Zack Morris You Look Like Shit

2008-09-02T11:17:00.005-04:00

This is a hideous hairstyle for Zack Morris. Do you all remember the frosty locks of the yester-years on Saved by the Bell? Bring that back Mr. Gosslear.

So apparently Steven Bochco, who brought us Hill Street Blues and NYPD Blue will is trying to have a hit cable tv show with Zack Morris as the star? Listen, Zack Morris was a douche on Saved by the Bell and he's a douche now. But what's worse is that he looks like a dude in drag who is trying to look like a dude. CUT YOUR HAIR. This isn't the 60s. We aren't hippies any more. Maybe the hair is a distraction from the bad acting that you're going to do Zack. It might work. I'm so focused on the hideousness of that hair I won't be able to hear any of the dialogue. GOD. I just shouldn't watch.

Click here to read more about this shiteous show. And click here to check out Zack's website.

Welcome Back Welcome Back Welcome Back!

2008-09-02T11:10:00.003-04:00

Welcome Back! I'm sure you have have wondered where in the F this blogger has been. Well for the last month I feel like I have been in hell but was saved by the lord jesus christ himself and brought out of the fiery pits of hell to once again blog.

Ok, so we've missed a LOT. I mean a LOT. Most I won't comment about but there are some gems that I'm sure you want to read about.

Let me know if there is anything I should post.

Happy 50th Your Madgesty!

2008-08-16T20:06:00.001-04:00

Her Madgesty Madonna Ciccone turns 50 today. All I can say is thank you for making a gay's life much more fun.

Celebrate!!!

Congrats Boys. Oh Congrats.

2008-08-12T23:57:00.002-04:00

Thank you for making this Olympics special. America thanks you.

Unless you are under a rock, you know that Michael Phelps is cleaning the F up over there in Bejing. We are all proud.

Cauliflower Ears

2008-08-02T10:20:00.007-04:00

Damn this is Olympic Wrestler Doug Schwab. Doug's body is RIPPED. Watching wrestling is quite interesting. Why this has been a long tradition in our world's history I don't know. I don't mind men rolling around on the floor but sometimes it can get a little too strange. Ok, so you know what happens to wrestlers right? Their ears turn to cauliflower. Well dont' be fooled by this photo of Doug Schwab and all his manliness. He gots the cauliflower too. Cauliflower isn't my fav vegetable unless covered with cheese. Anyway, look at the picture below and his ears. Yikes. Is there reconstructive surgery for that? I like my ears although they do stick out a little, so I don't know why these people would put their ears on the line just to roll around on the floor with other men. Oh. Hmm. Ok, that might be worth it.

Click here to read the NYTimes article about the training facility that Doug uses in Colorado.

PS

2008-07-31T22:53:00.003-04:00

I have been BUSY lately ok? So give me a break when I don't put up new posts. BUT I love you all and I know that some of you live for BPF and I do too and lately nothing is very funny. So, I can't be funny unless other people are funny.

Say No to Cats

2008-07-31T22:43:00.003-04:00

Let's be very clear here. I HAAAATTTTTTTEEEE cats. I once lived with a woman that I'll refer to as "Fat Kathy" who was fat and owned a cat. Fat Kathy didn't like to clean up after her cat and made the WHOLE house stink. Well my other roommate had TWO cats (yes a total of three) and with that the house stunk and my nose ran because I'm allergic (mildly) but when the nastiness isn't cleaned up my nose goes apeshit.

Well, I could only stand to live at this house for like 2 months because of the cats, and these girls, especially Fat Kathy never cleaned up after them. I vaccuumed every weekend and still couldn't figure out why this STINCH hung around. After I moved out of the house the one roommate with the TWO cats calls me up and tells me a story. Apparently after I moved out they had to turn on the heat, but then the house totally wreaked. They find out that FAT KATHY's cat quit using the litter box because it was too dirty and it started shitting and pissing in the A/C-Heating vents!

PUKE. Anyway, I saw this news story about a 44lbs cat and it reminded me of Fat Kathy and her foulness. Fat Kathy weighed like 444lbs. Click here to read the story.

12 Steps People

2008-07-31T22:34:00.004-04:00

I love the internets. Like, I am on it ALL day. If I need to know something fast I get on and look that shit up. Like today, I met Beth Broderick who was Sabrina the Teenage Witch's aunt Zelda. And I was like OMG, she's so cool and nice and very blond. And I totally went to the internets to find out what she is up to from info on IMDB. However I couldn't find much unfortunately.

As for my other addiction that is caused by the internets, I can't discuss because this is a semi-family friendly blog. But let me just say one thing, there is a lot of stuff out there that even I never imagined existed. Even for a gay homo. So be CAREFUL when you are "surfing the worldwide web." Something is bound to pop up.

Click here to learn more about the internet addiction study that recently came out.

Bitches!

2008-07-31T22:15:00.003-04:00

Or not. You know that at the Olympics they do "gender verification tests?" Lord you know that some dude is tucking his shit underneath so he can sooo beat out the other bitches in the sport he loves. Just think where he'd be if she was a he really trying to compete with other dudes. He'd get his nuts cut off. So instead of getting them cut off he'll just tuck them up and away and compete with chicks. A grand idea.

I just finished reading Middlesex, which is about hermaphrodites. What if these people at the Olympics are just confused hermaphrodites and decide to stick with one gender over another and it isn't exactly the sex that he/she was supposed to be. Damn give a girl-boy a break.

So here's the story about the gender verification labs being set up in Beijing.

PS - Isn't a picture of Billie Jean King so appropriate here?

Goodbye Sophia....

2008-07-22T21:16:00.002-04:00

Sophia Petrillo aka Estelle Getty died today. She is my FAV on the Golden Girls. I say "IS" because I still watch it on a daily basis like every self-respecting gay does. They are soooo good. I totally take after Sophia by saying whatever is on my mind. And she always told Blanche Hollingsworth Devereaux how much of a cheap slut she was. I tell my friends that all the time.

Click here to read more.

Hi, How are You? PS - I Don't Care

2008-07-18T08:23:00.004-04:00

During a segment on the Today Show this morning Matt Lauer asked if you should offer to help clean up when you attend a friend's party. Then he said should the host take you up on the offer, like when you ask someone how they are and you really don't care how they feel?

HAHAHAHAHAHA. That's EXACTLY how I feel about that topic. I don't give two shits how you are. Especially if you are a tertiary acquaintance that I run into on the subway. You have to make awkward conversation like you really care and then you end up talking about how damn hot it is outside. AND when someone says "Oh not so good." PLEASE PLEASE don't elaborate. I don't want to hear about your problems. Just answer, I'm doing well thanks.

I knew that Matt Lauer had a redeeming side. Well he redeems the Today Show every day, but I know now that he understands me even more. Even if he hates gay people.

Cesspool?

2008-07-17T08:22:00.003-04:00

I hope to Christ that this pool is filled with enough chlorine to burn off these people's lower halves. My god have they lost their minds? This is apparently a public pool in the Sichuan province in China. It looks like they tried to squeeze all 1.6 billion Chinese people into this pool. This pool is going to need some serious scrubbing afterwards y'all. Did you see the news story about the coast off of China that they had to clean up because of all the algae which would prevent the Olympic sailing teams from sailing? That's what this pool is going to look like. You know that they are totally pissing in it like no tomorrow. We've all done it!

I'm guessing though, the Chinese officials make these people clean up after their mess. Ok, that's probably not the case. Have you BEEN to China? It's NASTY and FILTHY (so I've heard). They don't clean up shit! Literally.

Click here to read the rest of this story.

I Love Hoda

2008-07-17T08:01:00.003-04:00

Ok, Hoda Kotb must be the most badass woman on tv. She survived boobie cancer, made it through a bad divorce and now has to sit with Kathie Lee every day. This woman needs a halo!

Hoda has been nominated for an Emmy, which is close enough to a halo. It's not for working with Kathie Lee though. I do have to admit that I like watching them on the Today Show's 10th hour. They make me laugh. That's hard to do because I'm sour. And Hoda has nice legs. Well I ain't looking at her legs, but girl knows how to WORK it. And Kathie Lee is a botox godess. She makes my blog a HIT with her face being injected daily. She truly is a Botox Pokerface.

But First, This is Today on NBC

2008-07-16T07:41:00.002-04:00

You all know my preference (or obsession) for the Today Show. We are all fond of the old days with Katie Couric (sniffle). But today, on Today, I am watching Ann(oying) Curry and thinking why doesn't Natalie Morales just take over for her. Natalie is a very inquisitive interviewer, knowledgeable, appropriate and simply gorgeous even when she is with child! Ann(oying) Curry is actually pretty good looking for her age (SEE sometimes I can say nice things about her). Anyway, Meredith is "on assignment" which is a favorable to me. Her voice and inappropriate discussions drive me crazy every day.

So what is the point of this here? Hell if I know. I just miss Katie Couric and want her to come back or just want Meredith and her lion hair to go a way.

I Don't Like Cities, but I Like New York

2008-07-14T22:21:00.005-04:00

Other places make me feel like a dork. Well folks, the one and only President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, will return to the United States to attend the 2008 UN General Assembly session on July 18. The last time he was here, he was able to piss off most everyone and will likely do it again.

Mahmoud is the one who said that there are no gays in Iran. Because he killed them all. Well whatever the case, I'm guessing there are a few 'mos there. Trust me, we are the ones that dress the nicest sir. Exactly. You probably have a man as your personal assistant. Men aren't personal assistants... unless they are gay. I've been there, done that. You can't expect a straight guy to know where to send you to get your suit tailored and then a manicure. What would the world do with out us!?

Click here to read more.

PS - I think his name is sort of badass.

The 3pm Deadline

2008-07-14T22:05:00.003-04:00

This is hilarious. Some guy meets a chick on the street and somehow gets her phone number and leaves a couple of messages. He's completely assertive and frank with this hoochie who passes out her number willy-nilly. It's definitely a must listen.

I wish I had a man that would set deadlines for me. I like a man who tells me when I need to take out the trash and who my friends can be. I think that's sexy. Frankly, I think this girl is totally missing out on this sexy beast. Listen to his voice and you can hear that he is totally 'psychologically normal.' Aren't all people who leave several messages without getting their calls returned normal? I mean really!

Thanks to Coco's friend Heather for sending this gem. Love ya girl!

Countdown to the Olympics - 30 days to go

2008-07-09T08:06:00.005-04:00

My my my here come the Olympics! Beijing better step up because I want to be able to see these mens running around and the smog better not get in my way!

Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte are two of the stars of the 2008 Mens Olympic Swimming Team and although they have those high-tech swimming suits, they still produce when it comes to the speedo.

Click this link to see Ryan and Michael in a new Men's Journal August 2008 cover photoshoot. The shower scene is HOT!

Thanks, Jane!

Cindy Brady is a Boozer

2008-07-08T08:24:00.003-04:00

Catch Cindy Brady (Susan Olsen) about to puke on air. She was giving an interview recently and was pretty hungover and all the sudden has to puke.

You go girl.

A Prayer for a Cousin - You are in Public

2008-07-08T08:09:00.002-04:00

Dear Lord -

Some of my close cousins, the gays, may do things that might go too far from time to time and sometimes I think outrageous is funny. Sort of like Anna Anna Anna Anna Nicole was outrageous. But Lord, sometimes there should be common decency and I would have to say that having sex on a public beach where children and families might walk by is a stretch. You see, God, there is a town in Massachusetts by the name Provincetown or "P-Town" where lots of homos in New England go for recreation. Some apparently take this recreation idea to a new level and get their freak on right there on the beach. The only sex on the beach I want to see better resemble the picture above.

Now, I have been to gay beaches before (Rehoboth, Deleware and Rio de Janeiro) and people are sane there (yeah, sure, they may not have much clothing on because of the tiny swimwear but still they are clothed). Apparently at P-Town people are doing the full on nasty, heavenly Father! We have all seen those romantic movies where the dashing actor emerges from the depths of the ocean and finds a lovely lady and they roll around. That's fine. Roll Around, but keep your pants on gays!

God, no one needs to see this. And frankly, you don't need sand in those places. That could hurt.

Amen.

Click here to read more.

Middlesex

2008-07-05T10:16:00.003-04:00

This book is not about Middlesex, England. It's hard to explain especially if some queenie guy approaches you in the Metro station and you are holding the book in your hand and he says 'I hear that's a good book.' Well you know at 8:30am I don't want to talk to anyone, and really don't want to explain this book. So here's how the conversation went this last Wednesday:

'I hear that's a good book?'

Uh Oh. 'Yeah, I'm enjoying it.'

'Is it about Middlesex, England?'

Oh oh oh. 'Nope. It's not about that at all.'

'Oh? I just thought with that title that it referred to England.'

'Um no it's about a Greek family in Detroit and written from the perspective of the son who grew up thinking he was a girl....'

'HERMAPHRODITES! Oh interesting! Middle-Sex. I get it! Clever. I've read several biographies written in the 19th century about hermaphrodites. They are fascinating!'

Move away slightly. 'Yeah. It's a good book. I would recommend it.' Open book, pretend to start reading. Please get the hint. Go away...

'Oh I'll check it out. I think we'll all be hermaphroditic at some point in the future.'

Blink. Blink. Move further away. Intensely read book. Where is this damn train?

Holy Moses

2008-07-04T09:31:00.005-04:00

So the polygamists in Texas are taking advantage of their notireity and selling their wonderful children's clothing on the internets. Where or why would you ever want your child to look like this? I guess if you're homeschooled and no other children interact with you, then I guess you'll be fine. But if your kid goes to a public school, don't be surprised when they come home with a blackeye. OH, but this would make a great Halloween costume outfit. 'What's your costume dear?' 'I am a fundamentalist mormon from Texas.' 'Oh, how lovely.'

I don't see the special Mormon underwear that you can get from the real Mormons.

Anyway, PLEASE visit their site and check out the clothes. I just ordered a princess dress for my niece for her Halloween costume. She'll need to grow her hair out and put it in a little bufont puff in the front.

Click here for their site.

Um, Ow.

2008-07-04T08:55:00.003-04:00

Vasectomies are a godsend if you ask me because there are people out there that shouldn't be reproducing. I tend to think the same about neutering your pet. The only issue here is when your doctor isn't paying attention during the procedure and cuts your thing off. Whoopsies.

A Romanian doctor accidentally chopped his patient's thing off during a procedure in 2004. What really sucks is they replaced it with a piece of muscle from his arm. Oh that's just gross. And from what I understand it's just an aesthetic. That poor guy. Just think of getting your thing chopped off and then you have to have your arm down there. I mean I've heard people say that some men have things the size of a baby's arm, but what if it was the size of your real arm? Or it was your real arm? Who would want to get near that. So what would you do? Lawsuit, of course. Well the guy got $795,000 for his missing part. I don't think that pays nearly enough. But that's just me.

Click here for more.

This is Gay. Tyson Gay.

2008-07-02T07:53:00.002-04:00

This last weekend Tyson Gay won the 100m final in the Olympic Track and Field trials. A right wing nutjob organization called One News Now automatically posted his win for the semi-finals, but their auto-replace feature changed his name to Tyson Homosexual. So the headline stated "Homosexual eases into 100m semi-finals at Olympic Trials." Listen, we all know the gays are everywhere. Everyone wants a gay friend or a gay husband or a gay bff, I mean who wouldn't? We are fashion conscience, attractive, and always the center of attention, I mean the fun of the party. But just because someone is a Gay doesn't mean they are homosexual, OK? Tyson Gay just has Gay as his name. He isn't gay or a gay. Well he is a Gay, but he's not the gay I think of when I say gay. Do you folllow? He's like so Gay but not gay gay. Nevermind.

Click here for more and click here for the image capture of the Homosexual site.

Six Ways to Make a Quick Buck

2008-06-30T21:35:00.003-04:00

Apparently the old song and dance about grave robbers striking is back again! If I had a nickel for every time I had to run offs my kin after we buried a dear relative, I wouldn't have to go robbing graves myself! So be careful when you buried your loved ones with the gold. Their golden nuggets could become someone else's.

I remember when we buried my dear old great Auntie, old girl went six feet under with every ring covered in platinum and gold and a necklace that would make Mr. T blush. Hey... I'm sort of broke, maybe Auntie will fork over some that fortune. I knows I sure didn't get a dime after she left most of it to my ungrateful cousins.

Anyway, um, I think this grave robber business is a little overblown. You have to be super dedicated to dig up a grave and according to the article below, "Nothing's worse than stealing from the dead." Eh, killing someone is worse. I can damn near guarantee that, and stealing from children is probably worse.

Anyway, here's the story.

Aww How Sweet

2008-06-30T08:06:00.002-04:00

Last week, the Today Show threw a wedding. Well this has been going on for like 7 years now and they try to spruce it up each time. This year's theme was race to the alter, meaning the viewers don't give a damn about this series anymore and they want to have a wedding planned in a week because the original 3 month process was boring!

Ok, this is what I'm mostly concerned about. Although I didn't actually see the wedding, the morning of this wedding I remember looking at the screen and saying 'Oh Matt looks dapper in his suit and there is Mered.... what the hell is she wearing?' So Ms. Viera put on a blue trash bag that was too short (really too short) and thought this hooker outfit was appropriate to wear to this wedding. After I saw her, I thought, 'oh i'm sure she will change.' But NOPE, as you can see in the video she is still wearing it. You can't see how short it is but you can get the idea at about 1:20 of the video. I bet the person who dresses her secretly despises her and tells her 'oh this looks fabulous on you.'

PS - You should see what she's wearing today. It looks like she stole one of the Von Trap boys' outfits from the Sound of Music.

Your Blog Stinks!

2008-06-27T08:13:00.002-04:00

Y'all I'm sending my apologies for lack of posts. I know many of you can't stand not having BPF everyday.

AND there has been some GOOD shit happening this week, especially the Supreme Court's decision to overturn the DC Gun Ban and "clarify" the Second Amendment. I'm going to read the opinion and give my analysis. (Not that I'm a lawyer or anything). You know that Tony put some good quips in his opinion about the dissenting justices. He probably called Ruthie a tree hugging hippy and Johnny Stevens a senile old fart.

Ok, more coming but probably this weekend.

The Rain in Spain Falls Mainly on the Plain... The Same Applies to St. Louis!

2008-06-27T08:01:00.003-04:00

Ok, a reader close to the action in St. Louis writes about the flooding in Missouri.

I am very pissed about the flood situation. If you live in a flood plain, then the river can and will flood your home/property. Don't live there.
Building walls of sandbags on either side of the river just makes the situation worse. Even more water is forced downstream and flooding is more devastating.

In '93 these SAME people were flooded out. They are always on the news with their toothless grins saying ridiculous shit, "The river won't get me. I've got sandbags and a sump pump." Then two days later the fire department/National Guard has to rescue them in a john boat. They vow to return and rebuild because the river "won't get the best of me. I'll be back. I'll rebuild. This community is like family. We've survived worse floods" I say take your damn "community/family" up on the bluff that is 50 feet from your current flooded mobile home.

You won't find me sandbagging.

Can't they just put the trailer on more cinder blocks too?

Click here for more coverage.

Oh Cindy....

2008-06-27T07:56:00.002-04:00

They will pander anywhere. While in England this week, Cindy says that Diana, Princess of Wales inspires her? Um... did you see how erratic and irrational Diana's life was?

Click here.

What the *(^#!

2008-06-26T00:12:00.003-04:00

This is a pot. But it's not the pot that is the subject of this discussion. You see, a group of pot advocates in Colorado want the Denver International Airport to approve the smoking of mary-jane in the smoking lounge. Really? Yes there are some folks who get a bit nervous when they fly and you know I am one of those people. Back in the day I could fly anywhere, Paris, Rome, London, Northwest Arkansas... .and wouldn't think twice. Now my palms sweat like a fat kid.

Anyway, why in the world would we want people to get high in the smoking lounge and then get on a plane. How are we supposed to figure out which one of you all is sober enough to open the escape hatch in case of an emergency. EXACTLY. You all would be too high on your whacky weed and wouldn't know the passengers are supposed to be jumping down the slide. You all would likely be laughing.

For the whole story click here.

So What? The Seven Dwarfs were Pimps Too

2008-06-23T08:36:00.008-04:00

The Seven Dwarfs had this figured out a long time ago. So some dwarf or little person or midget girl has been charged for allegedly pimping out someone underage. Ugh. Ain't nothing worse than a little person pimp! Just ask Snow White. They also be Grumpy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, Dopey, and Doc, but Happy only if they get paid! And you know if you don't pay they are at the right height to take care of your goods.

Jacqueline "Shorty" Green lived in a Brooklyn housing project and her neighbors said they weren't surprised she was a pimp. Huh? Weren't surprised? I'm surprised. Most people aren't PIMPS. And what I don't get is, why don't we call her a Madam? Midget Madam? Ok, inappropriate!!!

Click here for the whole story.

A Prayer for a Cousin - Don't Marry Him

2008-06-22T20:47:00.004-04:00

Dear Lord -

There are three things I want to do in life. First I want to get married at some point. Second, I want to go to Australia. And third I want to SCUBA dive the Great Barrier Reef. Yes, Lord, I am a certified PADI diver. But Lord, I don't want to end up like Tina. Tina Watson that is. You see Lord, her husband of a few short days took her to Australia for a honeymoon and decided to pop her off while diving the Great Barrier Reef.

Lord, I learned how to SCUBA from a French man who didn't speak much English and I want you to know that the buddy system is ESSENTIAL to your survival under the sea. Once your under water you don't need to know English so long as you know the hand signals... OK is the one most commonly used. So Lord, you think you know someone when you marry them and when they up and cut off your air supply under water it takes a whole new meaning to Jordan Spark's No Air, No AIIRRRRRR song.

So I guess the lesson, your heavenly father, is love the one you're with but watch your oxygen tank.

Amen.

PS - Lord, I can't wait to get to AUSTRALIA!!

PPS - Click here for the link of the story AND the picture above shows poor Tina lying at the bottom of the ocean. Sad. May God rest her soul.

Meet Dan Abrams

2008-06-20T09:48:00.005-04:00

Hi I am Dan Abrams. I think I am pretty and smarter than everyone even though I have only one nut and wear a hair piece. When I'm on TV I act like Bill O'Reilly, Keith Olbermann and Nancy Grace all rolled into one. Therefore I am a d*ckhead who went to Duke and Columbia Law Schhol so I have chip on my shoulder. I have to prove myself to others because I'm a douche and even though they made me the General Manager of MSNBC I couldn't cut it, so now I have to be ultra douchey. I host a show on MSNBC called "Verdict with Dan Abrams" that is a joke to journalistic television.

I am sexually ambiguous and have been seen with women, but I'm super pretty and now I'm 42 and still single. You do the math. And you can reduce that by figure by one since I only have one nut. Nice to meet you!

Click here to learn more about Dan Abrams.

Botox Bandit!

2008-06-20T09:24:00.002-04:00

So this chick stole BOTOX! She got some injections and then decided not to pay the bill and left the doctor's office. Listen, people come to this blog every day and I always feel robbed. Especially when visitors just view the pages and don't leave comments or don't appreciate the time that goes into finding a picture of a half naked guy. APPRECIATE!

Anyway, botox bandit is a good name for a blog. Unfortunately, the chick above doesn't look any better than she did before getting the botox. I guess you all don't feel any better after you visit this blog. Well too bad! This is how it's going to be!

Click here for the whole bandit story.

This is Hard to Believe

2008-06-19T11:32:00.005-04:00

Well Australians are fatter than Americans according to a study released today. Have you been to America? Especially any Wal-Mart in the Midwest? Everyone is large and in charge. My recent venture to the Midwest allowed to witness first hand the obesity issue in America. If you are using a Rascal to get from your car in the Wal-Mart parking lot into the store, you need to rethink some things. Maybe Wal-Mart has infiltrated Australia now and they are become big ol' folks now too.

They called the study the "Australia's Future Fat Bomb." I'm not sure what happens when that bomb explodes but I don't want to be near it. I have dropped a few bombs in my lifetime and I weigh a buck forty-five dripping wet. Imagine a 300lbs person dropping a bomb. I assume that's what they mean when they say fatbomb. Take cover, y'all!

Ok I'm off to the gym.

Click here to read the story.

Happy Birthday, Eddie!

2008-06-18T13:18:00.002-04:00

Eddie Cibrian turns 35 today. :)

One Last Goodbye...

2008-06-17T19:27:00.003-04:00

I stopped by St. Albans School this afternoon to pay my last respects. Luke Russert greeted me and all that needs to be said is that he is a very nice young man.

Job well done, Mr. Russert.

With Deep Sadness

2008-06-13T15:57:00.008-04:00

You will be missed, Mr. Russert. News and politics will never be the same.

Thank you for all you have done.

Click here to read more.

Thong Th-Th-Thong Thong

2008-06-12T14:46:00.006-04:00

So some Mormons, I mean Utahans on the Kanab, Utah city council, decided that it's now ok to wear a two piece bathing suit at their new civic pool opening up on July 4th instead of the previous requirement of a much more conservative one piece. Oh thank heavens that they took time to make sure this was taken care of. I know that it was of great concern. However, they don't think string bikinis are going to be ok and especially no thongs! (I wholeheartedly agree with that one.)

Aside from what you can wear, the name of the pool is the "Cowboy Watering-Hole." What? I think they are getting that confused with something else. The only Cowboy Watering-hole I've ever heard of requires a bunch of men and... oh nevermind about that. I hope that some queen doesn't show up in some speedo getting it confused with a whorehouse in Nevada. Trust me, it's a bad mistake to make. I'm sure the lame-o in the picture has had some experience with that.

Anyway, for more on this story, click here.

Here Fishy Fishy Fishy

2008-06-12T14:13:00.004-04:00

Have you heard of this new pedicure that involves sticking your feet in a pool of minnows? Apparently salons in our country are using fish pools for pedicures. What happened to a file and a footbath. Jeez! The Yvonne Salon in Alexandria, VA says it's a special special skin treatment. Click here for Yvonne's Salon.

Who in the hell are they kidding? According to the Dr. Fish Massage, Inc website,
"These fish can completely get rid of skin smear and aging cortex. They also can make your pore unobstructed to promote blood circulation. Moreover, they have the function of protecting skin and beutifying(sic) face to make your skin healthier and more brilliant." Learn to spell first of all, but do your feet really need that much help? Keep your socks on and no one's gonna know. Or just put some polish on them nails and buy a pumice stone.

That's gross. Have you looked into a tank of minnows? It's nasty and mossy and you know the salon isn't going to clean that out after every foot. Have you seen people's feet lately. People gots yellow nails and fungi everywhere. Mani and pedi salons are notorious for being unsanitary and this takes it to a new level.

Damn, even the new Oprah, Tyra Banks, had this on her show. I honestly don't believe she'll be the next Oprah. Oprah is a level of her own. But you know there are some stay at home folks who are dying to find this place. Well good luck to you. May your feet not fall off from gangrene.

Click here to "invest" in Dr. Fish Massage, Inc.

Another Reason to Watch the 2008 Beijing Olympics

2008-06-11T09:48:00.003-04:00

The Hamm twins are once again attempting to reach Gold at the Beijing Olympics. These two are members of the USA Men's Gymnastics Team and didn't do so well in 2004. Paul is recovering from hand surgery, but is still the man to beat. The Olympic trials are coming up on June 19th in Philadelphia, but Paul won't be there. Oh well, there are some others to check out.

Here is a link to learn more about the Hamms.

To find out more about the USA Gymnastics team, including the women's team (see I'm fair and balanced), click here.